This is my eighth post in the Cognitive Distortions Series. “Cognitive distortions” is another name for beliefs that hold us back and prevent us from living our best lives. The key reality for this series is that our thoughts have profound effects on our perceptions of reality. In order to improve our lives, we must first become aware of our false or negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones.

Should and shouldn’t statements are when we tell ourselves that things should be the way we have come to expect or that things shouldn’t be the way they are. We should or shouldn’t ourselves constantly but we rarely consider the damage it may be causing. These should statements about ourselves usually lead to guilt or frustration while should statements about others often lead to anger and frustration. So, why do we do it?

We might try to motivate ourselves to do something by saying, “I should be doing this or that,” or, “I shouldn’t be doing this or that.” If you think about it, this actually gives your power away. You are capable of making choices and decisions regardless of what you should or shouldn’t do. (Also, who decides what you should or shouldn’t do anyway?) The trouble with this is that we often get the opposite outcome. Instead of motivation we get procrastination.

I’m going to tell you a bit of an embarrassing story. I have been should-ing myself for over two weeks about writing this blog post. I can’t tell you how many times I thought, “I really should write a blog post. I should have written several blog posts before my holiday in England and then I wouldn’t be in this position.” My wonderful assistant, Austin, has been gracious, but he has a tough job. He has to remind me to submit a post according to the schedule we have made. Even then, I sometimes don’t, like this last week when I was away. In this case, my shoulds not only failed to motivate me to write the post, they caused avoidance so that I wouldn’t have to feel the guilt. I procrastinated!

If you have a bit of a rebellious spirit, should-ing yourself can call up that rebelliousness and then you won’t do it just because of the should-ing. How crazy is that? You are only rebelling against yourself! The moral to this story is that even though we all do it, should-ing ourselves just doesn’t work. It creates a host of problems. You would be better off just deciding to either do the task or not. Either way, it’s your choice. I would have been better off (and Austin would have been appreciative) if I had just said, “I’m not going to write a blog post while I’m away.” See how easy that was? It really is just that simple.

Let’s talk for a minute about shoulds that are directed towards others. Since moving into my house that we built a little over a year ago there have been many shoulds directed towards our builder and his subcontractors. The painters should have done a better job. The floor people should have used a different sealer. The people who bricked our house should have been more careful with the mortar. The carpenters should have been more careful when staining our cabinets. The granite people…well, we really couldn’t find any problems with their work! You get the picture.

Let’s analyze this for a minute. Do you think that all of this should-ing made me feel better? Nope! Not even a little bit. Did it get anything repaired or replaced? Nope again, not a single thing. What it did do is make me bitter. I allowed—did you hear that? I’ll repeat it.—I allowed myself to become bitter and have my joy in my new home stolen. Just in case you missed it, I’ll say it again. I allowed my joy to be stolen. I allowed myself to become bitter. My builder didn’t do those things; I did! That’s the problem with should-ing other people. It doesn’t accomplish anything positive whatsoever. It just makes us unhappy with our circumstances!

So, since this is something that we all engage in fairly often, we would be well advised to come up with a strategy to stop this unproductive self- talk.

While you are developing your personal strategy, you might want to take some of these steps and ask yourself some of these questions:

• Try to catch yourself when you say should or shouldn’t.
• Ask, “Says who?” (as in who is setting the standard of what should or shouldn’t happen)
• Ask, “Is this true? Is there anything that is more true?”
• Ask yourself if you feel better or worse by should-ing yourself or others.
• What would happen if you didn’t? What if you just let things be as they are with no shoulds or shoudn’ts?
• Reframe. Instead of saying, “I should be writing that blog post for next week,” say “I’m going to take a break this week because I’m on holiday.” Make note of which of these statements makes you feel in control.
• Have some compassion! We need more compassion in our lives. Allow yourself some compassion for not doing what you should have done. Allow yourself to feel compassion for others when they don’t live up to what they should have done. Most of the time our shoulds are not related to anything life threatening! Put it in perspective.
• Keep a record of when you do the things above and ask yourself how your outlook on life has changed. It helps to see that what we are doing is working.

If you want some company on your journey, ask a friend or give me a call. I help people change their thoughts and, therefore, their lives every day! I’d love to help you.

Emotional Reasoning is a cognitive process by which we believe that what we are feeling is true even in the absence of evidence that supports our feelings. In some cases, there may actually be evidence that disproves our feelings!

To recap what we have learned so far in this series, cognitive distortions are beliefs and thoughts that present themselves automatically and coerce us to believe they are true. They are invasive, stubborn, and often outside the realm of conscious awareness. Our task, then, is to become aware of them so that they may be challenged and defeated when necessary. Emotional reasoning is a particularly hard distorted thought process to overcome because we are taught to “trust our gut.” If we trust our gut in this instance, we will act on thoughts and beliefs that could become very limiting and cause full blown panic disorder.

The most drastic case of emotional reasoning that I can think of is an incident from my own life that had very serious consequences. Like many other people, I am terrified of heights. My husband and I were visiting Sedona, Arizona with some friends. We thought it would be fun to rent ATVs and explore the area. Call me stupid, but I didn’t realize we would be traveling along mountainous terrain where there were no guard rails for safety.

I was terrified.

In fact, I was so terrified that I convinced myself that the only way to stay safe was to hug the inside of the mountain – as far away from the edge as I could get. As it turns out, that wasn’t such a smart move because my two right wheels became unbalanced as they went slightly up the side of the mountain and it caused the ATV to tip over with me under it. I ended up with a ruptured spleen, internal bleeding, and a collapsed lung (not to mention surgery and a long stay in the hospital). When I look back on that incident, I can clearly see that my emotional reasoning caused the accident. I was so convinced – based on my fear – that I was in danger that I over-compensated and caused myself harm.

Fortunately, most cases of Emotional Reasoning aren’t so drastic that they cause bodily harm. Unfortunately, they can and do cause psychological harm all the time. For instance, say I’m attending a meeting with my peers. They are smart people and bring up some items for discussion that I don’t have a clue about. My thought might be, “Oh, wow! I didn’t even know that. I’m really stupid!” Strong waves of inadequacy might flow over me and, since I don’t want to show my “stupidity,” I would keep quiet and not contribute to the conversation. After the meeting, the feelings of inadequacy stay with me and I become depressed and despondent. My self-confidence is at an all- time low, which shows up in the way I interact with my clients. From there…well, you get the picture. It is a downward spiral that can lead to negative consequences in all areas of my life.

While this is a fictional account of what might happen, it’s not far off of what has happened to me in the past. When emotional reasoning prevails, I am taking my emotions to be the absolute truth. If I feel guilty, I must have done something wrong. If I feel overwhelmed and inadequate, I must be a worthless loser. If I feel frightened, the situation I am in must be dangerous. The list could go on forever.

It is fortunate that we don’t have to stay in this spot. We can climb out, question our thinking, and come up with thoughts that are much more realistic.

Let’s look at my example of what happened on the mountain in Sedona. What if I had stopped for a moment and asked myself some questions? Might I have been able to bring some reason into the situation which could have prevented the whole unfortunate incident? While I can’t say this for sure, I think it might have. Let’s see what the process might have looked like.

• We start up the mountain and the fear threatens to take over. I think, “Oh no! There aren’t any guardrails. I’m never going to be able to go up this mountain.” At this point I have started the downward spiral.
• Is it true that I couldn’t go up the mountain because there were no guardrails? Plenty of other people were traveling up the same mountain safely. So, the point above is not true.
• Is there something else that is more true? No guard rail does not mean that I am going to fall off the mountain. “If I stay in the middle, away from the edge, I should be fine.” That thought sounds more reasonable.
• What is the evidence that I can’t make it up the mountain because there is no guardrail? I can’t think of any evidence.
• What is the evidence that I could make it up the mountain even though there is no guardrail? There are a lot of people in front of me and some already coming down who made it safely. As far as I know nobody has fallen off the side. This sounds like pretty good evidence to me.
• Conclusion: There is nothing stopping me from going up the mountain except my own fears which are caused by my own thoughts.
• Strategy: Stop. Take some deep breaths. Go through the above questions. Calm myself enough to continue or tell myself that I would rather not proceed even though the evidence is strong for the fact that I am not likely to fall off the mountain.

Even if I had chosen not to proceed I would have won over my thoughts. The important thing is that I recognize them as being distorted and unproductive. (Overcoming my phobia surrounding heights is for another post.)

The point I would like to make here is not that you should push yourself to do things you are afraid of. Rather, it is that you need to understand that your own thoughts are causing the fear. There are no facts to back up the fear. It is irrational. My guess is that I would have continued up the mountain safely, albeit somewhat fearfully. I would have made it down safely and I would have felt pretty good about overcoming the fear in the end. However, it would have been every bit as much of a victory if I had chosen to stay behind. I would have made the decision intentionally with full knowledge of the facts. Phobias are complicated and need more work than offered here, but this is where that work starts.

What about the “trusting your gut” thing? Someday soon, I’ll write another post about that, but for now I would just like to leave you with the thought that trusting your intuition is different than trusting your fear. While neither has a lot of supporting evidence, when we trust our intuition we usually do so with a sense of peace. There is very little fear. Even if our intuition says there is danger, we are making our decisions quite intentionally with thought clarity that surpasses that which is reasonable. When we are engaging in emotional reasoning there is no peace or clarity of thought.

Here are the steps:

• Identify what your emotional reasoning thought is. Be as accurate as you can.
• Ask yourself, “Is this true?” and, “What are the facts?”
• Ask, “Is there anything that could be more true?”
• What is the evidence for or against your thoughts?
• Come to a conclusion.
• What are your choices?
• Identify your strategy.

Distorted thinking is common. Not a single person is immune to it. We have a choice, though. We can let it disable us or we can take control of it. You better bet that if I’m ever put in a situation like the example above again, I will handle it differently. If you would like to handle your distorted thinking differently and you would like a coach to walk the road with you, please give me a call. I would be honored to be the one you choose to take along with you.

This is my fifth post in the Cognitive Distortions Series. “Cognitive distortions” is another name for beliefs that hold us back and prevent us from living our best lives. The key reality for this series is that our thoughts have profound effects on our perceptions of reality. In order to improve our lives, we must first become aware of our false or negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones.

Jumping to conclusions is the only exercise some people get.

Do you know a person eager to find the worst explanation for another’s words or actions? Have you ever been in an argument with someone over something you didn’t even do? I’m sure we’ve all been on both ends of this problem at some point. When something goes wrong or a routine gets disrupted, it is too easy to assume the worst about our peers and circumstances. However, the way we look at each event or person is a deliberate choice over which we have complete control.

Jumping to conclusions is a negative thinking pattern developed by making pessimistic assumptions that are not supported by facts. This dangerous phenomenon can occur in a couple of different ways: mind-reading and fortune telling. When you are mind-reading, you assume that others are negatively evaluating you or have bad intentions for you. When you are fortune-telling, you are predicting a negative future outcome or deciding that situations will turn out for the worst before the situation has even occurred.

It’s natural for us to make assumptions and inferences about whatever is occurring in our environments, and we jump to many conclusions every day as a result. It is only damaging, however, when we actually believe our assumptions and inferences are factual and true without digging deeper to find confirmation.

Here’s an example that may seem familiar to you. A few minutes ago, my husband said something to me to which I replied, “What?” He noted that my tone was a little off and assumed I was upset. He jumped to that conclusion based on what he assumed that my tone meant. The fact was, however, that I was focusing on something else and he had simply interrupted my train of thought. In truth, I was a little irritated. But I was not upset or angry like he assumed.

Looking at this example a little more deeply you can see how we assess the things that are going on in our environments and make judgments about them constantly. We couldn’t stop doing that even if we wanted to. But when we don’t allow for the possibility that we are wrong, we will soon find ourselves in trouble.

Almost immediately after my response, my husband asked me if I was mad. I answered that I was not mad—just preoccupied—and we went on with our evening. He did a few things right in this situation. After making the inference, he asked me for clarification. When he found no evidence to support his inference, his thoughts took a different route and no problem occurred.

Sometimes we don’t get the chance to clarify with the other person. All is not lost! We can do something called reframing.

Let’s say that I get up and go to the fridge to get my orange juice just like I do every morning. My husband has already left the house when I discover that the carton is almost empty. My first reaction is to assume that my husband had drank all of the orange juice and I might infer that he is thoughtless and rude. If I go down this road it is likely that a problem will occur at some point, ending either with me directly questioning my husband (possibly in a raised voice) or me in a grumpy mood to start the day.

I could, however, STOP and ask myself some questions like, “Is it possible that he didn’t even have orange juice this morning?” or, “Is there any evidence that he was thoughtless and rude?” or even, “Is there another possible explanation?” I could reframe the way I thought about it and could say to myself, “Hmmm, I guess one of us forgot to put it on the grocery list. I’ll do that now and pick some up after work.” If I frame my thoughts in this way, no problem occurs. I go on about my day and my husband isn’t even aware of any of my thoughts. As you can see, this method is good for all parties involved.

Reframing is a skill that you can develop. It is really all about the stories that you tell yourself. If I tell myself that my husband is thoughtless and rude, I will have one reaction. If I tell myself that it was an oversight, I will have another. The choice is mine. With enough practice I can retrain myself to stop jumping to negative conclusions without evidence. I will never stop assessing my environment and drawing conclusions, but I can automatically begin to look at the positive possibilities and realize that I can choose to tell myself any story I want. When I have reached that point, a shift in the way I am thinking occurs and my world becomes a little less threatening and hostile.

To recap, here are the steps you should take to stop jumping to negative conclusions:

• As soon as you realize that you are jumping to conclusions, STOP.
• Ask yourself some questions like, “What are the possibilities? Is there evidence that supports my negative inference? What story am I telling myself? Is there another story that I could tell myself?”
• Make a choice to keep your story or change (reframe) it.
• Ask for clarification if you have the opportunity.
• Most of all, keep an open mind. Realize that, while it is natural to make assumptions and jump to conclusions, your thoughts are not necessarily factual. Be willing to change your mind and tell yourself a different story.

While it is not an easy to change your way of thinking, it can be done! If you would like help with your negative thought patterns, drop me an email. The journey is not such a long one when we walk it together! Change your thoughts and you’ll change your life!

It is infinitely easier to criticize than it is to appreciate people or things just as they are. As humans, we tend to find faults and disappointments in even the happiest of occasions. For example, imagine having dinner at a nice restaurant with a loved one. Even if the food is perfect, you could still think that it took too long to cook or that your server wasn’t attentive enough. At work or in your relationships, it is easy to remember your shortcomings rather than dwelling on your positive qualities.

Have you ever wondered why this is?

Discounting the positive is a habitual way of disregarding our successes and strengths while focusing instead on what we consider to be our weaknesses and our failures. In our minds, if something isn’t perfect it is, by default, flawed. Since perfection rarely, if ever, exists in our world, pretty much everything is considered a failure or flawed in some way. Therefore, since perfection as unobtainable, we choose to view ourselves more as a mixture of failures than a collage of successes.

So, what happens when we discount the positive things in our own lives? There’s a laundry list of terrible side effects such as feelings of inferiority, lack of confidence, bouts of depression, loss of energy, and loads of procrastination. Not a pretty picture! If the lens through which we see the world is programmed to see the negative, we shouldn’t be surprised if we only see the negative. If people in our lives try to congratulate us on something, we tend to discount it. If they want to help us celebrate our success we are embarrassed and discount or downplay it. We walk around in the world with a “yes, but…” response to everything. When we “yes, but…” everything we deny ourselves the joy of enjoying our success while also denying the people in our lives the pleasure of gifting us with their praise and good wishes.

Assuming this is true, why do we do it? I have a theory.

We are actually getting something out of it.

But how could we possibly benefit from denying our strengths and downplaying our accomplishments? We lower our expectations of ourselves so that we don’t have to perform. After all, if you were successful at this endeavor then what could be next? Will you be expected to repeat this success (or even worse exceed it)? We become scared of the possibility so we discount it. We refuse credit for it. This is what we call a fear of success. Do we do this consciously? Of course not. We aren’t crazy! When we think about it logically it doesn’t make sense. And yet we do it. Some of us do it all of the time and then we wonder why we have no confidence, why we procrastinate, and why we are down in the dumps.

So, what is the way out of this trap that we set for ourselves?

Remember, I said this is a habitual way of seeing the world. Habits can be changed. They can be discarded and new ones can be developed! That’s the good news! I won’t lie to you though, there is work involved. One thing to remember about the work involved is that you can have positive thoughts about it and, therefore, look forward to it or negative thoughts about it and, therefore, dread it. If you dread it, the work will be hard. If you look forward to it, the work will be a source of pleasure and you will motivate yourself to keep going. The choice is yours.

• Identify the problem. For instance, you may recognize that you can’t accept a compliment. That’s the problem.
• Recognize how you do it. Going with the above example, you may discount the compliment by saying, “Thanks, but…” and making an excuse.
• Ask yourself, “What’s behind this?” Maybe you don’t feel deserving of the compliment or you are embarrassed at the attention you are getting. Perhaps you have a fear of future expectations if you accept the compliment. This awareness is important. If you don’t know why you sabotage yourself, it’s hard to change your response.
• Identify your triggers. (Someone compliments or congratulates me.)
• Identify where you would like to be regarding the problem. (I would like to be able to accept compliments with grace.)
• Visualize the solution. Imagine yourself accepting a compliment with grace. (I will smile and simply say, “Thank you.”)
• Create your strategy. (The next time I feel the urge to discount someone’s compliment, I will say, “STOP!” in my head and instead say, “Thank you.”) This step is important. Don’t allow yourself room to argue with yourself. See yourself as a person who accepts compliments with grace and a simple “thank you” will be sufficient. Resist allowing yourself to elaborate. Just say, “Thank you.” That’s all! You can add more later, but keep it simple right now. The simpler it is, the more likely you are to remember it on the spot and be able to implement your intention.
• Celebrate your success! Allow yourself a moment to feel the pleasure of having accepted a compliment without discounting it. Allow yourself to really receive the compliment and realize that this is something important. It is important for you to feel affirmed and it is important for others to feel good that they acknowledged you. This is likely to be uncomfortable at first, but do it anyway. Soon you will be able to feel the warmth that someone’s appreciation brings!

We only talked about receiving a compliment in this example, but there are lots of other ways we discount the positive in our lives. An example from my own life that happened just yesterday is that I was in a bind for time. I had some errands to run and only about 45 minutes to get them all done. People were out Christmas shopping which made it difficult to get around. Delays were inevitable. I became grouchy. Bah! Humbug!

I was rushing into a store to make an exchange when I heard the most beautiful singing. I looked around to find the source. It was a Salvation Army bell ringer. “Don’t make eye contact,” I told myself. “I have no time for this.” I quickly realized my mistake and, in my head, said “STOP.” This woman was singing her heart out for me. But, I had no time (and if I make eye contact, what else will be expected from me?). I’m glad to report that in this case I followed my own advice. I stopped, received her gift, told her what a beautiful voice she had, dropped a few dollars in the bucket, and continued on my way. How did this change my day? It got me out of my Scrooge-like mood and made me realize that all I could control was the way I was thinking. When I did that, my day suddenly got better and I proceeded with a lot more patience and a much better attitude.

What compliments have you been denying yourself? Take a moment to reflect on your strengths and accomplishments. Stop being afraid of the great things you have done! You don’t have to flaunt them to the world, but you should allow yourself to take pride in your best abilities. And, if your good work raises the expectations of others, move forward with the confidence that you can handle anything that life throws your way. When you seek positive things, don’t be surprised when you start to find them!

Change your thoughts and you’ll change your life!

Have you ever wondered why two people can see the world in completely different ways? One person may view the world through rose colored glasses while the other has a paranoid, pessimistic outlook on life. The truth is that we all see things in the world through our personal mental filters. In fact, it’s impossible to see them any other way!

A cup of coffee is the result of hot water mixing with ground coffee beans. However, to make the drink enjoyable, it must first pass through a filter of some sort. Because a mushy soup is not worth waking up for, this step ensures that we only allow into our bodies that which is desired. In the same way, our mental filters only allow us to perceive things in our preferred method.

It is important to understand that we all have mental filters and they are all quite different. Our mental filters exist because of our experiences, interests, and even personality traits (such as introversion and extroversion). Literally everything that we experience affects our mental filters in one way or another. For example, a car wreck may enhance one person’s fear of travel while a workplace party can cause an employee to view his coworkers in a more favorable light.

I’d like to give you an example of how our mental filters are affected by things that go on in the world. A few weeks ago there was a tragic event in Paris. I think we would all agree that each of us had some sort of reaction to it. A lot of us changed the way we went about our lives in response to it. Many of us were angry, some were scared, and others felt helpless. Whatever we felt, it’s safe to say that our view of our world and how we walk around in it changed — most likely forever. (If the Paris attacks did little to faze you, perhaps remember back to the days and weeks following the 9/11 attacks.)

While large-scale events tend to impact a large number of mental filters, smaller occurrences can have just as much power. Special moments such as receiving flowers from a loved one, snuggling with a blanket on a rainy afternoon, or enjoying dinner with friends can positively influence our filters.

A problem arises when our personal filters become so rigid and focused on negativity that we no longer experience any joy in life. The negativity that we allow in can easily become all-encompassing. Our relationships, work, peace of mind, and even mental and physical health can be put at risk! It’s dangerously easy to assume that all these things are simply results of the world that we view as a terrible place to live, but the trick is to realize that our own filters are the root of the problems.

How can you recognize that your mental filter is in need of repair? Pay attention to your body.

• Physical: Do you suffer from constant headaches? Are your muscles tense? Does you have lingering stomach pain? Do you have trouble sleeping at night?
• Attitude: Do you have a sour attitude? Are frown lines becoming apparent? Have other people mentioned your attitude or temper? Do you whine and gripe a lot?
• Mood: Are you depressed? Have you felt unmotivated to do even the things you love? Is it hard for you to get started on tasks? Is it difficult for you to find anything positive in the world (or even in your relationships)?
• Energy: Is it difficult to get up in the morning? Do you feel like just lying around or taking a nap in the middle of the day? Is it hard to find the energy to do regular chores or grooming?
• Sleep: Do you have trouble falling asleep at night? Are you waking up at odd times during the night and unable to fall back asleep? Are you unusually tired throughout the day?

These signs and symptoms could be telling you that your mental filter needs an adjustment! There are plenty of things in the world that can contribute to a negative outlook, but there are also plenty of things that can contribute to a positive one. The good news is that you get to choose!

While it’s true that we are always viewing the world through our mental filters, it is also true that we can examine our filters and change them should we choose to do so. Since we can’t always control what comes into our environments, how do we go about making sure our filters are set the way we would like for them to be set?

• First, we have to stop and think rather than just reacting. Our world is moving fast. There are too many things in a day to do and we often forgo thinking time in order to try and keep up. If you don’t stop and think about what you are thinking you will automatically default to a reactive mode.
• Ask yourself whether the way you are thinking serves you well. If so, leave it alone. If not, isolate what you are thinking and go through the steps of examining your thoughts.
• Ask yourself a few questions to find the foundation of your mental filter.
  • You should always begin by asking yourself, “Is this true?” A good supplemental question is, “Is there anything else that is just as true or more true?” These questions allow you to move beyond your own opinions or beliefs to discover the facts surrounding a person, place, object, or event.
  • “How else can I think about this?” Answering this question will require some brainstorming on your behalf. Can you choose to see something in a more positive way? Try to remove fear and condemnation and focus on any good qualities you can find.
  • “Would that new way of thinking serve me better?”

Thinking back to the Paris example, we each get to choose whether to respond or react. After witnessing such a tragedy, it would be wise to educate ourselves on the situation by using factual information, decide what changes are in order to keep ourselves and our families safe, and resolve to be alert and cautious when in public. Each of these is a rational response. On the other hand, it would be detrimental to watch or listen to everything about the event over and over again (essentially scaring ourselves because we want to be scared), stay indoors and refuse to live our lives, or become hyper-vigilant and suspicious of everyone else. These are knee-jerk reactions and they are highly unnecessary. The goal is to positively respond to events and ideas rather than react with negativity.

There are a lot of things in the world that we can’t change, but our thoughts aren’t among them. Changing our thoughts can mean the difference between sulking through life stressed, depressed, or defeated and walking about in the world with peace and happiness.

A tool that I use often to examine things is the continuum. Just about everything in life can be put on a continuum. Continuing with the example of the Paris attacks, the way you now view the world could be assessed by the following continuum.

1     2     3     4     5     6     7     8     9     10

                                 scared                                                                 fearless

                                     mad                                                                 at peace

                                      sad                                                                 happy

Where would you be on this continuum? The most healthy place to be is in the middle. We should hover somewhere between 3 and 8 most of the time. To be at a 10 would mean you are in denial. To be at a 1 would mean that you are paralyzed and can’t move about freely. If you are too far out on either end, try going through the steps above. If you do this often enough you will begin to see things more calmly and peacefully.

It is important to be aware of your mental filters and how they affect your life. When in doubt, assess yourself by paying attention to your physical, attitude, mood, energy, and sleep characteristics and issues. Make the decision to use media (including social media) wisely. Make sure you are being informed rather than being persuaded. Respond to your own negativity by changing the direction of your thoughts. Never give up! Life is so much better when you choose to focus on the positive. Change your thoughts and you’ll change your life!

This is my second post in the Cognitive Distortions Series. “Cognitive distortions” is another name for beliefs that hold us back and prevent us from living our best lives. The key reality for this series is that our thoughts have profound effects on our perceptions of reality. In order to improve our lives, we must first become aware of our false or negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones.

In my previous blog, I talked about black and white thinking. A close cousin to that particular cognitive distortion is overgeneralization. Overgeneralization takes the tiniest little nugget of criticism and turns it into an all-encompassing thought process that distorts our reality and causes us to place limitations on ourselves in every part of our lives. The way that this happens is through our self-talk. The lens through which we see the world determines how we perceive and react to it. When things don’t go our way, we often become self-critical and the negative self-talk goes rampant. This causes us to create and operate from negative beliefs about ourselves.

One of the most common (and destructive) limiting beliefs that we have is “I never do anything right.” When we look at this objectively we can readily see that the word “never” is a problem. However, limiting beliefs are deep inside us and they pop up automatically. Because they are automatic we rarely stop and think about them the way we are here. Something fails to happen the way we planned and the automatic limiting belief “I never do anything right” pops up. We don’t question it, we just accept it as a true statement. The other word that is problematic in this thought is “anything”. Is it really true that you never do anything right? Probably not. Never and anything cover waaaay too much ground for what we are trying to express.

Another common and destructive limiting belief is “I’m a failure.” This can be closely tied to the “I never do anything right” belief. Again, the problem with this is that it means I am a failure all the time. This is obviously not true. A statement like this is perhaps the most damaging because it doesn’t leave room for change. When you buy into this fallacy, you think, “I’m a failure today, tomorrow, next week, next year, and forever. If it is something that I am, then it can’t be changed.” If success does happen to come along, it is dismissed as a fluke or a strange twist of fate. When you believe at the core of yourself that you are a failure you can’t take credit for anything because it would disprove your belief. We have to be careful of the labels we put on ourselves because our selves just might believe them!

Admit it: You’ve thought of yourself as a failure who never does anything right. Maybe it was last year when you burned Christmas dinner (while your entire family was at your house, of course) or this morning when you spilled milk all over the kitchen floor. For many people, one mistake or event reminds them of previous failures and they become overwhelmed by dwelling on their shortcomings. “I forgot to send mom a card for her birthday” leads to “I didn’t even call her last week” which leads to “Remember that time I broke mom’s favorite necklace?” which, in turn, leads to you thinking of all the other times you missed the mark. At the end of the road, you arrive at the false conclusion that you are a failure and you are unable to do anything right at all.

There are a few things you can do to overcome overgeneralization, but first I would like for you to understand what I’m talking about. I often talk about our need to “think about what we are thinking about.” This is called meta-cognition. Above, when I pointed out the two words that caused the difficulty (never and anything), I was engaging in meta-cognition. When a thought pops up that causes you to feel that all-too-familiar anxiety or depression, stop and think about what you are thinking about.

Here are a few steps to get you started:

• When you feel yourself become anxious, depressed, or afraid, stop and think about what you are thinking about.
• Isolate the problem words.
• Ask yourself, “Is this true?” or, “Is there anything more true?”
• Replace the words with the more true words.
• Restate the thought that brought on the anxiety in a way that is not only more positive, but is also more true.
• Repeat these steps each and every time the thought pops up.

Okay, okay. I know you are thinking that this is a lot of work to just replace some thoughts in your head. While it may sound a little tedious, I assure you that you will experience life-changing results if you decide to work your way through these cognitive distortions and the suggestions for changing them.

I know this to be absolutely true because it happened for me.

With the help of a good friend and mentor (these were the days before coaches) I worked through all of these steps and I can honestly tell you that I don’t even recognize the person that I was prior to this. My life was transformed. I know that’s a big word, but it’s true. This work absolutely transformed my life. If you would like a mentor (coach) to walk down this path with you, I would be honored to be that person. It makes me so happy when I see my clients put these things to work in their lives!

In case you haven’t noticed, my recent blog posts have been centered around limiting beliefs, which are sometimes called cognitive distortions. In his book “The Feeling Good Handbook” David Burns classifies our cognitive distortions into 10 categories. Over the coming weeks, my goal is to help you understand (and hopefully avoid!) each category in via a series of blog posts. Today we will look at the cognitive distortion known as black and white or all or nothing thinking.

As you have probably guessed, this particular distortion causes us to see things as either black or white. The problem with this is that much of our life is lived in the gray area between black and white. This is where perfectionist thinking can pretty much cripple you. If it has to be perfect to be useful, then most projects, people, television shows, or just about anything else you can think of will fall short of perfect and, therefore, end up in the useless category.

There are some benefits to black and white thinking. Things become predictable and even safe. If you are a rule follower, you love black and white thinking because there is only one right way to do something. There aren’t as many decisions to make, and you can lump everybody into either good or bad categories. You don’t have to agonize over the ambiguity. There is none. It is either black or white, good or bad, always or never, hot or cold, fast or slow, dirty or clean…you get the picture. Life just got a lot simpler! Not many decisions to make…or so it may seem.

The truth is, however, that we limit ourselves with these extremes.

If people are good or bad, where do you think you would fall? If movies are either the best or the worst, how many would you really enjoy? If food must be either hot or cold, how much would you enjoy your dinner tonight? How many outfits would you have to try on before work tomorrow if your clothing was either right or wrong? The “simplicity” that comes with black and white thinking can easily turn into a prison cell. Instead of freeing you from making the wrong decision, it keeps you from making any decision at all.

Think of how much more interesting the world is because of the various shades of color. Take green, for example. There is sage, emerald, olive, lime, and mint. Or yellow, which shows up as canary, lemon, gold, butterscotch, or mustard. Blue can be slate, cobalt, teal, azure, navy, or sapphire. If we stay stuck in our all or nothing, black or white thinking we miss out on all of the various shades of life.

Because of the sense of safety that the black and white thinking lures us into believing we have, it’s sometimes hard to break out of. But it’s definitely not impossible! Here are a few things you might want to try.

• Practice allowing yourself to make mistakes. When you make a mistake, own it and realize that it doesn’t say anything about you. It doesn’t say you are good or bad, smart or stupid, right or wrong. It’s just a mistake. That’s all. Nothing else. Learn from your mistakes and keep moving forward.
• Give up trying to control the outcome of things. You can’t anyway, so you might as well relax about it right? Realize that your lack of control doesn’t mean it will get out of control. All outcomes have positives and negatives. Learn to embrace both.
• Check the validity of your assumptions. When you catch yourself using all or nothing words like best or worst, smart or stupid, right or wrong, stop and ask yourself if that’s true. Is it true that it’s the best movie ever? Is it true that since your boss made a correction in your work that you are stupid? Is it true that there is only one right way to do anything? Just start noticing how many times you use these kinds of words.
• Open your mind to the fine nuances of the in between. Notice the subtle difference between buttercup yellow and mustard yellow. Can you appreciate both? Can you see the benefit of allowing both into your awareness. How does it feel to embrace both? In time, you can shift this “palette appreciation” technique to other areas of your life.

Be gentle with yourself. You most likely became a black and white thinker as a self-defense mechanism. It made the world seem safer. It will take some practice to let go of it and it probably won’t feel quite right at first. Just take your time. It will happen! Keep doing the work and before you know it a whole new world of possibilities will open up to you. It really is a nicer place when we live life in the gray area!